Don't Tip the Waiter

Chili's Lowers Standards To Attract New Employees

2008-01-21T13:06:00.001-05:00

PROVIDENCE, RI—The banner rippling in the wind just outside the front door says it all: Accepting Applications From Great People. In a bold move, the Chili’s restaurant in Providence lowered the requirement for applicants in search of potential employment. The previous banner – up as recently as the beginning of the month – read: Now Hiring Excellent People.

"Let me just say right now," said company spokesman, Bob Underoos, "that anyone who’s been with the company for any length of time is still required to function at the level at which they were hired.

"The last thing I want to see is a bunch of great employees walking around doing a great job."

While the move came as no surprise to industry analysts, in light of the huge applicant turnout most wonder what took Chili’s so long to join the trend. Since late last year, for example, Red Robin’s hiring campaign asked potential applicants the question: Are You Good Enough?

The Round Table Service Industry...(deep breath)...Blog Carnival...whew!

2008-01-15T07:43:00.000-05:00

It's haughty...it's hot...it's HERE:

The Don't Tip the Waiter edition of the "Round Table," Volume 5!

From Raging Server: "Think of RoundTable as a magazine, of sorts. It’s published weekly - and contains highlights & links from the absolute best posts from service industry-related blogs from all around the globe."

Here's the thing...the bloggers participating in this Blog Carnival have written far too many quality posts to simply pick one and call it a day. So, I'll include links to some of my favorites, but be sure to check out the rest of these blogs for the optimal reading experience.

Upset Waitress...the little vixen blogs about everything from toilet paper sticking out from an unknowing grannie's behind to her knack for intimidating even the best of customers. But often UW's rants go beyond the four walls of her restaurant and even include these parenting tips.

Before you think UW has gone over the edge, keep in mind that her imagination is fueled by the many months she's currently spending in a South Florida correctional facility for women. See ya on the third Saturday of the month, UW.

Bitchy Waitress..."Upset" and "Bitchy" waitresses? Beginning to notice a trend? BW -- her blog is titled At Least Call Me "Miss" -- caught my attention with relevant posts regarding a succession of bad shifts. Her take on restaurant guests often includes references to the "Spawn of Satan," "Douche Bag," and "Dick" (no last name, just Dick).

My favorite posts, however, convey an accurate depiction of a server's shift: what we go through, how much (or little) we make, and the tip-out process. Kudos to BW for informing the non-serving public. At the same time, I truly enjoyed reading her very first post, which reflects the name of her blog. Great stuff!

Rumor has it that BW lost her job with a corporate chain due to inappropriate behavior during a company picnic. Apparently, after tipping a few too many chilly ones, she stripped to her thong, jumped on a picnic table, and began to juggle the Italian sausage. When the sausage subsequentally fell to the ground, she'd wipe off the dirt on her thong. "That's when I knew she was hammered," said one teary-eyed co-worker. "She's normally a very good juggler."

Manuel...ah, Well Done Fillet. Well done blog, from top to bottom. Very difficult to choose a favorite from my good friend in Ireland, so I'll introduce you to this masterful writer with his take -- and photo -- (un) covering inappropriate guest wear...but be sure to go back over all his blog posts. Definitely worth the time.

By the way, when I asked Manuel how he consistently comes up with his creative posts, he said, "I keep the ideas coming with a constant flow of hookers and chocolate...no, I'm just kidding. I don't eat chocolate."

Raging Server...brutal, no-holds-barred posts, but my favorites are in the "ghetto" category -- which is only surpased in number of entries by "stupid people" and "hell" -- because he successfully captures the essence of this particular diner. He even writes the dialogue with an accent.

One of the best from the "Round Table's" founding father is his take on less-than-desireable guests and their offspring. Yes, it's harsh, yes, it's critical...and yes, it's accurate.

I don't wish to speak out of school, but it has come to my attention that, despite all the huff & puff, Raging Server is really a shy young female from Saskatchewan who was recently fired from her job at a local orange juice factory because she couldn't concentrate. I'm just saying.

Ali...this wonderful writer has numerous blogs, but El Vermino Boulevard is the one that easily caught my attention. Ali was one of the first to comment on this blog, and has been nothing but gracious since.

While there are many posts from which to choose, a personal favorite is called "On Forgetfullness, Forks, and Tampons." That pretty much covers it. Good stuff!

Ali, the trooper that she is, works far too hard and stays up way too late...as evidenced by the fact that after she gave her cat a bath, it took her "six hours to get all the hair off my tongue."

Cassy...the categories on her blog, 1/2 Server - 1/2 Amazing, alone are worth the price of admission. Two short posts from the "WOW! That Was A STUPID Question!" category stand out.

Again, it's probably not my place, but I've heard that when Cassy goes out to eat on her days off, she orders her meals in Pig-Latin, runs around the dining room with her arms outstretched making airplane sounds, and often drapes her underwear on the back of a nearby chair after leaving the bathroom to "let them air out."

Tony Dine...while it is extremely tempting to introduce Tony by way of the Guest Post he wrote for this blog, his blog -- Dine In Or Take Out -- includes quality writing about the service industry and beyond..."beyond" including how life imitates the restaurant industry.

One of my favorite posts captures the serving experience, especially the interaction between co-workers, as well as any I've found.

Tony is a former Marine, went to college at the University of North Carolina, and currently serves at a restaurant part-time. His full-time job is cleaning all of the cells at a South Florida correctional facilty for women.

(Note from Dennis: These are the participants of the Blog Carnival of which I'm aware. If I missed anyone, please e-mail me or leave a comment. Or don't. I'm tired.)

Peace.

Don't Tip the Waiter Hosts the "Round Table"

2008-01-14T12:14:00.000-05:00

I've not posted anything about this yet, but I am part of an awesome networking group -- also known as a the Round Table Service Industry Blog Carnival -- organized by my friend Raging Server, with design assistance by his Raging Partner, Jason.

This concept is truly brilliant, and offers readers of participating blogs the opportunity to check out associated blogs they may have otherwise missed.

This is my week to host the Round Table, and tomorrow I will offer blurbs about -- and links to -- select posts from the blogs in our "Carnival." I will also include any incriminating info I can dig up (or make up, for that matter) to shed a bit more light on these people who, for unknown reasons, are allowed access to sharp objects and to mingle with the general public.

Peace,

- Dennis

Natural Disaster Theme Restaurant Opens In Bloomington

2008-01-07T21:54:00.000-05:00

BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new restaurant, designed to treat diners to the effect of eating while in the midst of a natural disaster, opened in Bloomington last week to mixed reviews. The biggest knock against the concept, it seems, is the downtime for clean up the restaurant requires between each seating.

General Manager and part-owner, Marley Biggs, estimates the staff spends approximately four hours cleaning up the various dining rooms, in contrast to the roughly 45 minutes it takes for diners to consume their meals.

"We either need to hire more people," she said, "or figure out a way to streamline the cleanup process. I realize this is relatively new to most of us, and my employees are truly busting their asses to make it work, but we have to put a better system in place if we are going to eventually expand the way we would like…and anything over two, two-and-a-half hours for clean up is simply unacceptable.

"We saw this work to perfection in St. Louis," she continued. "I was there with my partners for a food and beverage trade show, and the proprietor of a local restaurant with a similar theme invited us over to check it out. It was one of the most unique dining experiences I’d ever had, and we all agreed it was something we thought we could make work.

"The Tornado Room waiter at the St. Louis restaurant was awesome, and from what I understand, the Earthquake Room was equally impressive. The thing is, we saw how they were able to pull this off, and light bulbs went on in our heads. We figured if they could do it there with a small, five-disaster restaurant, why couldn’t we bring the idea to our area and expand to 10, 15 — I don’t know…how many disasters are there?"

According to Biggs, when a customer makes a reservation — her facility can accommodate parties of up to 50 people — they have the option of choosing a specific room based on availability. In addition to the Tornado Room and the Earthquake Room, the restaurant boasts a Hurricane Room, the Flash Flood Room, the extremely popular Avalanche and Mudslide Rooms, and several variations of Tsunami and Typhoon Rooms which are used primarily for mid- to large-size banquets and parties. She said plans are in the works for a Forest Fire Room, but this has been delayed due to insurance requirements.

Back in the Tornado Room, tables are set with water glasses, polished silverware, a breadbasket and butter, and various condiments. The tablecloths are simple and elegant, but appropriately made of heavy vinyl for repelling spilled liquid and easier cleanup. There is no indication anywhere of impending doom.

After diners are seated, and drink and appetizer orders are taken, the lighting in the room dims considerably and the overhead sprinkler system goes on. The "rain" comes down, a very light mist at first that gradually increases to a steady shower. The wait staff hurries in with scaled-down umbrellas for the guests in their sections.

The patter of rain on the umbrellas seems to increase in tempo and a brisk wind rises from behind. Lights designed to simulate lightning flash menacingly, and the sound of thunder rolling in interrupts any conversation. Nothing can be heard over the gusts of wind, thunder, and warning sirens blaring from speakers hidden somewhere in the corners of the room. At this point, guests are in the middle of a torrential downpour — with water flowing freely over the edges of extended umbrellas and BB-size "hail" bouncing off the table and floor. The hail feels cold and seems to increase in size as it begins to inflict at least minor damage to the exposed glassware and table settings.

After an appropriate amount of time, the warning sirens grow even louder and their duration longer, drowning virtually every sound other than the spitting hail and water. A look around finds other diners increasingly poised to take cover, some already half under their tables, as the room glows an eerie green.

Soon everyone ditches their umbrellas for the relative safety of the table bases, which are slightly elevated on individual islands. Guests watch as the rainwater gathers in puddles, and then separates in all directions as it gains momentum down random paths toward the drainage areas at the sides of the room.

The fierce wind that blew debris across place settings and displaced anything of insufficient weight just seconds ago dies almost completely, and time is suspended during — quite literally — the calm before the storm.

From seemingly nowhere, the Tornado Waiter "touches down" with a leap from an unseen perch. He truly resembles a human funnel cloud as he proceeds to cause havoc in isolated spots in the dining room, running and spinning at what seems like an impossible speed of rotation, bumping and upsetting the various coffee and water stations setup throughout the dining room, flailing his arms and legs, crashing and breaking objects with aggressive swipes across random tabletops — devastating virtually everything that dares cross his haphazard path until — well-protected under the tables and chairs, and amid the broken glass and plates, diners hear…nothing.

The initial storm has passed, and the sounds of light rain and distant thunder are interrupted by the pierce of the "all clear" siren.

On cue, the servers and busboys come out from wherever it is they take cover, and again greet their respective tables, helping guests off the floor when necessary. Diners stand and brush off their clothing — wringing out shirtsleeves & jackets and closing umbrellas — all the while scanning the interior to assess the damage.

Conversation, in the form of hesitant probes, begins again. "Is everyone okay?" "Does anyone else need a drink?" One lady searches frantically for her young son, and is visibly relieved when informed he simply wandered into the Tsunami Room during the tornado.

Some guests meander on the sidelines, then — after the staff returns the dining room to some semblance of order — re-seat themselves, looking forward to the meal and conversation still ahead. At the same time, the unspoken question lingers in the damp, musty air: when does this ordeal happen again?

Afterward, a group of diners gathered at the door getting ready to leave. "I have to give that wait staff credit," said one guest. "They are very good but, for obvious reasons, the service here is somewhat slow."

When asked his opinion of the food quality, he looked puzzled. "They serve food here?"

Waitress Reveals: "Worker's Comp Not As Cool As I Thought It Would Be"

2008-01-03T08:07:00.000-05:00

NASHVILLE, TN—Surprising her friends, family, and even herself, waitress Sarah Tansen — who has been out of work for almost three weeks due to a nagging ankle injury — said staying home and collecting worker’s compensation is not nearly as fun as she thought it would be, and is "actually kinda boring."

The waitress at the Red Robin restaurant slipped at the end of a shift earlier this month, and re-aggravated the ankle sprain she sustained last year while at a previous job. Initially, Tansen said, she couldn’t believe her good fortune. The injury, while not expected to require surgery or cause permanent damage, was just the opportunity she thought she was waiting for to experience the wonders of worker’s compensation.

"I really wanted to try out worker’s comp after I got hurt last year," Tansen said. "This is something I’ve thought about doing for a while. So when the doctor told me to stay off my ankle after this latest slip, I was like 'woo hoo.' And I’m gonna get paid for this?"

When she returned home after receiving the news from her doctor, she plopped down in the middle of her living room — actually, her new crutches tripped her up — and thought about all the cool and exciting things that she was going to do. "I knew I had to take it easy, but I figured I could finally set up my apartment the way I always planned, I would fit in all the shopping I never seem to have time for, and I’ve always wanted to learn Japanese."

Soon after, however, as she mentally crossed one unrealistic activity after another off her list, a deep depression set in, along with an unbearable degree of pain in her ankle. "I forgot to fill the subscription for my pain medication when I left the doctor, and whatever he gave me at his office was wearing off fast."

When Tansen attempted to call someone for assistance, she quickly realized her new routine — awake during the day and asleep at night — is in complete contrast to her friends’ schedules.

"That’s when it hit me that all my friends are people I work with. I’m not one to judge, but those bitches sleep all day, and get up just in time to go to work. Then they’re out after work until the bar closes.

"Maybe it’s time they thought about growing up."

Tansen said the injury requires her to use crutches to move anywhere not in hopping distance, and relegated her to a life of watching television, surfing the Internet (until her computer went down), and eating whatever she can carry home from a nearby convenience store.

"I can’t do anything." Tansen was sprawled out on her couch, her foot propped up on two pillows. She arranged the items she requires most frequently — three different kinds of Doritos, a two-liter bottle of Faygo Moon Mist, and a sandwich bag filled with sticky, skunky, red-green marijuana for "medicinal purposes" — within reach, though these items fight for space with dozens of empty plates, glasses, and beer bottles.

"I mean, my apartment’s trashed, my car’s a stick-shift so I can’t drive anywhere, and I can’t quite get the hang of how to use these crutches...so even laboring up to the corner store is like someone’s idea of a bad joke. I had to carry this two-liter back home by gripping the top of the bottle in my teeth.

"That looked real lady-like."

Tansen said that since her computer got a virus last week, there is little to do other than watch TV all day and even that’s become a chore. "Yesterday I couldn’t find the remote control so I stood there in front of the TV like a jackass, pushing the channel buttons on the cable box in time to each hop.

"I have over three hundred channels. That’s a hell they don’t tell you about in Sunday school."

On a bright note, while this experience hasn’t been the carefree vacation she anticipated, Tansen said she’s had ample time to rest and has a new appreciation for her job. She also figures she’s learned a lot more by being at home and not going out every night.

"Did you know that the tiger shark — due to its aggressive nature and frequent proximity to people — is the shark most dangerous to humans in terms of fatalities? I always thought it was the Jaws shark.

"I’ve become an expert on all kinds of interesting subjects. I can count to four in Japanese — ichi, ni, san, shi — Jack McCoy is the best Assistant District Attorney on the planet, and I’m pretty sure that JonBenet Ramsey case was a suicide."

Waitresses, Waiter To Pose Nude For Website

2007-12-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

ATLANTA, GA—On the Job, a local print publication which recently launched its commercial web site, is attempting to promote both versions by showing servers posing nude on the web. The company plans this as an ongoing format that will premier February 1.

"I'm really excited about the whole idea," said Peggy Abraham, a waitress/bartender at R.P. McMurphy in Atlanta. "I can't believe they picked me out of all the other girls who came out. I told all my family and friends, and I even went out and bought some really nice news clothes for the photo shoot."

Abraham was one of 23 females, and a lone male, selected for the pictorial series. Models were chosen based upon a number of criteria, including style, presence, grace, poise, personality, charisma, ability to contribute in a team environment, check average, sales-per-guest ratio, amount of add-on sales, amount of voids, number of walkouts, shift preparation, side work, average hours worked per week and, most importantly, number of guest requests.

Molly Boggs, a full-time student with a 4.0 GPA at Georgia Tech and part-time waitress at Ram's Horn, was another girl picked for the layout. "We really didn't have that much time to get ready for the selection process. I think we heard about it like two weeks ago. I had to crash diet just to get in a little better shape, but still I think I lost, like, 10 pounds already.

"My actual photo session isn't for a little while, though," she said, "so hopefully I can lose another 50 or 60 pounds before then."

Possibly even more excited than the ladies was Ryan Beamer, a waiter at O’Sullivans in Atlanta and the only male selected. Though the series of photos was originally supposed to include only women, Beamer, who is number one in sales and has by far the most requests in the restaurant, met all of the criteria and even surpassed most of the females in many of the categories.

"We thought it was understood that this was only for females," said project manager, Bruce Sillio. "But when that Ryan what's-his-name started in on how it was discrimination, and basically put up a hissy fit...Jesus Christ, what a whiner. Anyway, we kinda had to let him do this.

"Should be fine, though. Most of these girls look like they're packing more than him."

When it was implied that the initial selection process had been altered for him because he displays more than one man's fair share of feminine traits, Beamer had mixed reactions.

"Whatever. You know what it is? J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y...jealousy, that's all. I even heard people saying that I'm gay. Can you believe that? Again...jealousy. I got that reputation when I was younger. I swear to God, you go down on a couple guys after too many drinks, and forever you're labeled.

"Just ask my friend Calvin. He'll tell you," said Beamer. "Calvin said I couldn't possibly be gay because I'm so horrible in bed."

Bad Will Between Diners Still Going Strong

2007-12-13T08:13:00.000-05:00

BOSTON, MA—While it’s been several months since the incident at Long Wharf involving two families — the Reynolds family from Framingham and the Simpsons from Chestnut Hill — and an unnamed lobster, the hostility between the two sides has apparently grown deeper and more intense.

The animosity stems from an altercation last August when the families, who are regulars at the restaurant and were admittedly very close, each ordered a live Maine lobster for their table. The Reynolds family was celebrating their youngest daughter’s birthday, and the Simpsons were celebrating the impending sale of their family business. However, there was only one lobster left in the tank.

Jack Reynolds, the father of what turned out to be a lobster-less little 8-year-old, is still seething, and said recently, "Those sons-of-bitches. What they did to us was absolute garbage. My little Amy had been talking about her birthday dinner for weeks, and she even got all dressed up in the new dress her grandmother made for the occasion. Poor thing kept talking about how 'all she wanted was a lobster, Daddy,' and then those thieves take the last one.

"That family doesn’t know the meaning of the word 'courtesy' — but then again, they don’t know the meaning of most words."

The meal began like others the families had shared in the restaurant’s main dining room — the Simpsons at one table, and Jack and company at their own table close by — with small talk and friendly insults flowing across the short distance. As the meal went on, however, and it became increasingly clear that there weren’t enough crustaceans to go around, the conversation turned sour and blatantly offensive, and almost erupted into a brawl when the Simpson’s 13-year-old son, Tommy, tauntingly asked the birthday girl during the salad course, "Hey Amy. Who picks out your clothes? Stevie Wonder?"

"That’s going way over the line," the senior Reynolds said later. "Amy’s grandmother made that dress, and with her arthritis and poor eyesight, sometimes the seams don’t line up right. It’s not my daughter’s fault you’re from a family who doesn’t have a legitimate reason to celebrate with a lobster dinner. And she can’t help it if you’re a compulsive little pervert who won’t stop masturbating long enough to crack your own claws!"

Due to their love of Long Wharf’s food and service, the two families run into each other there at least twice a month, and the mutual bitterness shows no sign of tapering off. Last month, when Jack learned the sale of the Simpson’s business was final, he sent an e-mail ripping the family’s lack of business aptitude. The e-mail detailed the senior Simpson’s shortcomings as a selfish owner, and reminded him "there’s no 'I' in team."

Simpson promptly sent an e-mail back to Reynolds. "There’s no 'I' in 'the Reynolds are a bunch of useless loser fucks' either," the e-mail read. "And by the way, that lobster was awesome. Tell your little brat she would’ve loved it!"

For their part, the restaurant's staff prefers not to take sides; a logical posture considering both families are longtime regular customers. "What can we do?" asked dining room manager Elizabeth Rhodes. "Separated from each other, they are truly wonderful people, and if it weren’t for that unfortunate incident, I’m sure they would be best friends."

Initially, the staff attempted to schedule each family’s respective reservation on alternating weekends, but the idea never came to fruition. "We couldn’t lie to them and tell one or other of the families that there wasn’t a table available for them," said Rhodes.

Then, though the family’s regular tables share the same section, management thought it wise to assign each a different server. "When they had the same server, they would thrust that server into the middle of their beef. Obviously, that made our staff uncomfortable."

Rhodes continued: "Tommy Simpson, for example, once told his server, 'Hey, go tell Mr. Reynolds that his wife is so ugly, he has to take her to work with him because he can’t stand to kiss her goodbye.' And then, after the message was relayed, Mrs. Reynolds chimed back, 'Oh yeah? Well you go tell that little snot-nose jackass that he should probably save his breath. It’s apparent he’s gonna need it as he gets older to blow up his dates.' And on and on."

Most of the staff agrees that, at this point, the families may even enjoy the periodic contact to give themselves a chance to let off some steam.

"It is common for the family member phoning in the reservation to ask, 'Are they going to be there?' on whatever night," explained Rhodes, "and when the answer is invariably 'yes,' the caller spurts out a short burst of obscenities, then says, 'Okay, see you at eight.'"

Next Shift After Work Party Extremely Uncomfortable

2007-12-11T06:30:00.000-05:00

DETROIT, MI—The drunken activities at Stacy Vaughn's party Friday night led to an uncomfortable work environment the following day. While a few employees of the Andiamo restaurant in Detroit viewed each other in a different, more positive light, the vast majority avoided any voluntary contact.

"The last time I had a big party with everyone from work," said Vaughn, "this same thing happened. You know the scene: After a few too many drinks, so-and-so gets together with so-and-so — and often it’s two people that wouldn’t be caught sober together — and the next day at work it’s like...well, everyone walks around avoiding eye contact, murmuring 'hello' or pretending not to see each other.

"Karen Cassidy didn’t even come in for her shift. But then again, I don’t think I would show my face either if I spent almost the whole party in my brother’s minivan parked in our garage, letting all the dishwashers tag team me....

"Call me old-fashioned."

Nancy Tate, a dinner waitress who is relatively new to the restaurant, spent virtually her entire shift avoiding fellow server, Brian Webster. "I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking," said Tate, as she glanced around quickly. "That guy irritates the shit out of me — the way he is always correcting everyone and telling them what they are doing wrong at their tables.

"I was already pretty wasted, and then Paula says let’s do a shot...I must have had three or four at least, and the next thing I know, bam, Brian’s rolling over on me. I’m not sure I knew who he was. Is he coming over here?"

In addition to alcohol-related encounters, some of the tension in the air was due to offensive remarks and hurt feelings. One person in particular, nightshift supervisor Stephen Turcco, was especially derisive, and blamed for making waitress Susanne Bishop cry and threaten to leave the party early.

"After he starts drinking, he can get so mean," said Bishop, whimpering. "He kept telling me how dumb I was, and one time, when someone passed a glass of something to me and I asked what it was, Steve said it was Jim Beam. I asked what Jim Beam was, and he said, 'You know in the middle of the night when your dad sneaks in your bedroom? That smell on his breath? That’s Jim Beam.'"

In addition, many of the employees who stayed until the early hours of the morning ended up in the middle of a mixed variation of several popular party games. Vaughn explains: "When we go out after work and eventually leave the bar, we usually end up at a co-worker’s house where there is more to drink, something to smoke, and often cocaine, or various other drugs, just a phone call away. We play games...you know, card games, drinking games, and as the night moves on the games get bolder...Truth or Dare, Twister, games we make up off the top of our heads.

"Last night we ended up playing this one game where the lights were turned off in this small room — it was pitch black — and on top of that we were all blind-folded to further protect our identities," Vaughn said, giggling. "There were maybe twelve of us, roughly an even number of men and women...and oh yeah...we were all naked. Almost forgot that. The music was so loud you couldn’t hear anything else, and you didn’t know who or where anyone was. You had to move around by...well, by touching and feeling.

"After a zillion drinks, some pot, and who remembers what else...well, let’s just say that inhibitions were completely gone, and our credo was Love the One Your With."

Sharon Priest elaborated. "Remember, we’ve already established relationships of sorts anyway...you know, with the sexual innuendos and raunchy humor that pervade the restaurant environment, and the inadvertent rubbing & bumping, not to mention blatant ass-grabbing, that are all part of the job description. So, I guess it’s not surprising that if you add alcohol and drugs to the end of a tense, sex-charged day...well, it’s a great release.

"Except someone kept sticking their finger up my ass. How can anyone like that? And that’s not something you just assume someone else will like, you know?"

Though Vaughn and Priest agree that employees will keep a safe distance from one another for "roughly a week" (or until the next party tomorrow night), they did witness the conception of at least two new relationships.

"Did you see Jason? Amy was all over him," said Vaughn, "and I was bummed that Sean and Andrea broke up, but she did the right thing. I mean, catching him in my brother’s room with Alex and all...but by the end of the night, she got with Tim, and I always thought they would make a cute couple."

Priest said, "Sean seems like the kind of guy that would stick his finger in your butt...."

Coffee Shop Workers Scream: "Hey...We're Servers Too!"

2007-12-10T06:18:00.000-05:00

PHILADELPHIA, PA—The near empty paper cup — with the words "Tips are appreciated…thank you" scrawled across the homemade label — sits in plain view on the counter, directly next to the register where virtually every customer must pass before exiting the building. The three worn dollar bills at the bottom of the cup are the same three bills from the beginning of the week, donated as seed money by the employees, and the smattering of pennies and nickels were left by customers running late for other engagements, or found on the floor under tables by employees during clean up.

Three employees also sit in plain view on the counter, swinging their legs and reflecting on the large crowd of customers that just left.

"Let’s see," said Tom Baker, one of the disgruntled workers. "How many people do you think we just served? Had to be at least 20 or 25 in the last half hour, right?"

"My friend Karen works at 7-11," said Crystal Meadows, kicking the side of the counter hard with her heels, "and even she makes more in tips than I do.

"7-fucking-11!" Meadows’ shoe flew across the floor.

This particular scene took place at a Starbucks in Philadelphia, but is common at all of the coffee shops in the area, and the sentiments echo those of many in the industry. Then why do it? Part of the job’s initial appeal, say insiders, is an atmosphere and customer service philosophy shared by full-service restaurants — complete with the promise of subsequent tips — nestled within the confines of a cozy, intimate setting.

New employees, in fact, are continually assured during their training period that, while the hourly wage is what it is, a contentious and courteous coffee server can do exceedingly well financially, and this is indeed the job with which to start a family. The reality is that the workers quickly find themselves in a thankless position — called "clerks" and not considered on the same level as conventional service industry employees — and the very same trainers must frequently go behind closed doors to roll on the floor in uncontrollable laughter.

Hilda Cartwright, a Joe Cone Coffee & Ice Cream manager, said she attempts to let new hires know what to expect during the job interview. "I tell new people coming in that, yes, sometimes they will get a little extra money for their effort, but that’s a bonus, and they should never expect or demand anything.

"Take that French gentleman over there, for instance," she said, nodding her head in the direction of a patron face-first in his ice cream cone. "He comes in a few times a week, and he never tips a penny."

"Je suis un bâtard bon marché. Je viens d'un coutry des chats ainsi ce qui vous prévoient?" said the Frenchman, with a mouthful of Superman.

With the expectation of added compensation clearly defined by various versions of the tip cup, and the message on the cup ranging from the one mentioned above to "Tip or die," what is the usual response to an extremely demanding order but nothing extra in return?

"A Visine Shooter," said Borders café employee, Sarah Holt, without hesitation. "Next question."

Apparently, a few drops of Visine — colorless, odorless, tasteless — in an unsuspecting customer’s beverage causes rapid, painful diarrhea, and is a common form of revenge in virtually every type of restaurant.

"It’s against company policy to say anything directly to the customer if we don’t get a proper tip," said Holt, "so we squirt a few drops of Visine in the offending asshole’s coffee and watch the fun begin. And sometimes we place the toilet paper way out of reach, or remove it from the bathrooms completely.

"We may not always get the tips we want, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun around here."

Most restaurants maintain a strict policy against confronting a customer about the amount (or lack) of tip, often leading to immediate termination, and there is currently no law stating a specific amount of gratuity, or one that requires a patron to tip at all. The standard gratuity for good service, however, is 20%.

When asked what the future holds, Tiffany Singer from Amer’s Mediterranean Deli simply shrugged. "How is what we do any different from, say a waitress at TGI Friday’s putting together a carryout order? They get tipped, don’t they? Or pizza delivery guys, or 'curb-side servers'?

"Some will argue that customers come to us, and that everything we do is included in the standard job description. Sorry. When someone is forced to repeat monotonous, unchallenging tasks on a regular basis, they deserve extra compensation.

"We know who tips and who doesn’t," she said, "and if you don’t, it might be best if you bring your own TP."

Bennigan's New Assistant Manager Calls Wait Staff "Real Mature"

2007-12-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

GLENDALE, CA—Bennigan’s new Assistant Manager Bonnie Santana, who worked in management at two different restaurants before taking her current position, claims she is pretty sure she’s never worked with as immature a group of people as the Bennigan’s wait and bar staff.

“It goes beyond ridiculous,” said a frustrated Santana. “I mean, someone can say the simplest, most innocent thing, and 9 times out of 10, one of these hyenas will run off with it — usually in the direction of some double-entendre or sex-related tangent.”

Santana said there are a handful of employees who display especially immature behavior.

“Stephen Oates is the worst, hands down,” she said. “Ask him anything — anything, and he responds with, ‘Your mom.’

“‘Who was at that table, Stephen?’ ‘Your mom.’ ‘What did they tip you, Stephen?’ ‘Your mom.’ Earlier, I made the mistake of asking him what he did last night.”

As a student at the University of Michigan, Santana studied the historical periods (roughly from the fall of Rome to the present), combining history — including archival and oral history research — with courses in historical and vernacular architecture, material culture and folklore, and archaeology. Santana’s work background includes stints at Gratzi and Bella Ciao.

On just her first full day at Bennigan’s, Santana overheard a waiter overtly flirting with one of the waitresses — using what was apparently a reference to the restaurant’s famous “Oh, Baby” Back Ribs — “Oh, baby…I love your sweet and tender award-winning ribs, and I can’t wait to slather them with my tangy sauce.” Santana immediately herded the offending employees directly into the manager’s office, wrote both parties up, and called an emergency meeting for the entire front-of-the-house.

According to sources, the one-sided discussion included a lecture on behavior deemed unprofessional and inappropriate, covered the subject of sexual harassment in detail, and culminated with a complete ban on obscene language within the walls of the restaurant.

“I thought the meeting was relatively well-received,” said Santana, “until a small group of wiseacres decided it would be funny to act up. They pretended they were sneezing, but the fake sneezes were only to cover up the fact they were really saying the word ‘bullshit.’”

Santana said the employees in question sat together at the back of the room, where they implemented the classic gag, but apparently, bullshit is contagious.

“Initially, it was just a few idiots, but then every time I turned around, a ‘sneezing bullshit’ came from somewhere else around the room.”

Witnesses said the game successfully disrupted Santana’s agenda and, with everyone’s attention wandering, the meeting rapidly deteriorated. Santana said she isn’t sure when — or even if — she will plan a follow-up meeting.

“Obviously, this whole group is allergic to constructive meetings,” said an irate Santana, sarcastically. “Real fucking mature.”

Santana said the juvenile behavior seems to escalate with each shift. “The first day was bad enough — any time I said anything to anyone, I felt as if they were mocking me, testing me. And by the third day, right after I posted memos with the company rules and policy where the staff could see them, people immediately started defacing my memos and writing their own little comments. What is this...eighth grade?”

She paused self-consciously. “And my breath does not smell like ass.”

The restaurant’s GM, Bruce Simmons, talked about his new manager: “On the one hand, we are lucky to have such a dedicated individual who raises the bar for the rest of the staff, and places such a tremendous degree of importance on professionalism.

“At the same time...” he continued, clearing his throat. “I’m sorry. I just can’t keep a straight face. Have you ever heard of a restaurant where swearing was not allowed. I mean, come on...really. In a restaurant? Ha, ha.

“I give her two weeks — tops.”

To illustrate his point, Simmons pointed in the direction of Santana, who was dutifully roaming the restaurant and unaware of the gathering of servers laughing behind her. Discreetly taped to the back of Santana’s shirt was a sign created out of one of her own memos. The sign read: “Ask me about my rash!”

Simmons chuckled. “Maybe two weeks.”

"Get Off Your Damn Soapbox And Just Bring My Soup, Bitch!"

2007-12-05T06:13:00.000-05:00

Guest Commentary
by Alice Perkins

Okay. So it’s one thing for our waitress to mention to the woman over there that she probably shouldn’t smoke, being, you know, obviously pregnant and all. Not that it’s a server’s place to preach, but...whatever. That never seems to stop ‘em. People just don’t mind there own anymore.

And it’s another thing for little Miss Size Three to accentuate the vegetarian selections on the menu as the billboard-size P.E.T.A. button threatens to pull down her apron.

Again, I don’t necessarily agree — I mean, this is Outback Steakhouse, right? — but I can sort of understand. Maybe. I guess. Not really.

But I definitely have to draw the line when she (her nametag says C-H-E-R-I-E and she said it’s pronounced shar-EE—I say it’s pronounced bee-ITCH, pardon my French), after overhearing that my youngest is getting baptized next weekend, proceeded to douse the little one with our ice water.

I’m serious.

She took the pitcher right off our table and, while murmuring something in God knows what language, she circled my daughter slowly and splashed ice water on her confused little face. We were all so stunned; we didn’t know what to do. I mean, it’s not often you get a waitress who’s also a minister.

Then she bowed her head with her eyes closed and rubbed a little cross on my poor baby’s forehead with an ice cube and, before we could stop her, she took off for the kitchen...with our pitcher of water.

I know, I know. I already know what you’re going to say, and it would’ve been funny, too, had we not waited almost 20 minutes for that damn pitcher of water. My jackass husband is sweating all over his plate of extra spicy Kookaburra Wings (“Tell the boys in the back they can’t make ‘em too hot for me!”), and I have an annoying scratch in my throat I can’t spit up for nothing, no matter how hard I wheeze.

We need more water, dammit.

My oldest one keeps saying he’s ready for his dinner now, my baby’s dripping water all over her new dress, and my husband is openly sobbing. The jackass is ready to lick my little one’s arm. I don’t know where they find the help these days.

Anyhoo, Cherry is over there at another table now, and as soon as she looks this way, I’m gonna get her attention. I may just walk over there if she takes too long. We need more water, and I’m ready for my Walkabout Soup O’ The Day. I’ve been thinking about it o’ day, ha.

Wait Staff Forced To Check ID Due To Child's Menu Abuse

2007-12-03T07:06:00.000-05:00

MIAMI BEACH, FL—When Mark's, an upscale restaurant in Miami Beach, instituted a children’s menu to attract more families, management had no idea so many people would take advantage of the smaller portions, lower prices, and inherent entertainment value, regardless of the customer’s age.

Manager Tony Martin says it did indeed attract more families, but also drew extremely skinny girls and those who simply love to color. "The menus come with crayons that are fun for the kids…and apparently undernourished women get a kick out of them, too."

In an attempt to curb the practice, Martin directed his wait staff to card anyone who asks for a children’s menu, but looks older than ten-years-old. "We have to draw the line somewhere, and often it’s hard to tell the true age with how freaky-skinny some of these chicks are. And don’t even get me started on gymnasts and handicapped kids. Who can ever tell with them?"

In their attempt to differentiate the real kids from the fakers, the wait staff has noticed at least one telltale sign: real kids almost never order hard liquor.

Jake, a veteran server of Mark's and other fine dining restaurants, said, "If a girl has already had a couple of Cosmos before I bring the menus, she is probably not getting a box of crayons from me no matter how tiny she is. She may be hammered, but usually, I’m not."

Jake did mention, however, that he would undoubtedly try to "hit that" later. "Our cosmos are good and strong, man. They do the legwork for you, if you know what I mean."

Martin has considered using a reverse version of Cedar Point’s "YOU MUST TO BE THIS TALL TO RIDE" idea before handing out the $5-$10 version of his specialties and Crayolas, but said he needs a good design first.

"You can’t just stick some cardboard bear holding a yardstick at the front door of a fine dining restaurant," said Martin.

"I mean…cardboard? C’mon. This is Mark's."

Martin said he hopes people will be more honest, but if that doesn’t happen, he will abolish the children’s menu altogether, and suggest the kids stay in the car with the windows cracked.

Waiter Pays Bills With Verbal Tips

2007-12-01T06:44:00.000-05:00

MIAMI, FL—Nearly broke and on the verge of eviction, Olive Garden waiter Stuart Tottle decided last week to cash in his substantial savings of service-related compliments and guest appreciation.

Tottle was able to cover his bills — rescuing all from “past due” or “shut off” status — and bring all but three completely up-to-date.

“I didn’t know what I was going to do,” said Tottle. “All my bills were coming due at the same time, and when I say ‘coming due,’ I mean I was already really late. I owed everybody...I was behind on my car payment, I had to pay back the money I borrowed from my parents, I was about to be evicted from my apartment, plus I’d been eating mac & cheese for weeks...that, and anything I could grab from work.

“We’ve been busy at work, but the cash hasn’t been that great so I was really hurting. Then I remembered I had this huge balance in my verbal tip account, and I knew I was gonna be just fine.”

Tottle quickly began to tally up the verbal currency: “You’re an awesome server!” “I’ve eaten in a lot of restaurants, but you you are one of the best waiters I’ve ever had!” “That was a truly enjoyable dining experience, Stuart.” “Thank you for the excellent service.” “Next time we’re here, we’ll ask for you!” And so on.

As Tottle continued to organize his accumulated stash, he started the task of methodically hammering out the bills one by one.

“I was caught up in the excitement. First I got on the phone with some of the important bill collectors...I would’ve taken care of my landlord, Mr. Adams, first, but I wasn’t able to get a hold of him right away. Then, after the main ones were taken care of — like my car note, lights and gas, cell phone, stuff like that — I called the other ones, like my cable company, Blockbuster, and my parents.

“My parents are pretty much loaded anyway, but they were thrilled when I finally contacted them. I’d been avoiding their calls for months.”

What Tottle didn’t count on was that many of the bills were higher than he anticipated due to late fees, and he was rapidly running out of stored guest gratitude. He was forced to reevaluate the level of appreciation conveyed by specific guest comments.

“I had to analyze,” he said, “what, exactly, that table of teenagers meant when, after I asked them if everything was okay, they responded, ‘You didn’t suck.’”

Another example, according to Tottle, was when old Mr. Thompson said, “You forgot the whip cream for my dessert, jackass,” and his wife piped in, “Oh, now Henry. You really don’t need that extra whip cream anyway.” He said he thinks he may have read more value into her comment than maybe he should have.

“Normally, I would blow a small compliment like that off, but things were getting tight.”

Still, while the seemingly small verbal gestures — “That’s a very white shirt, young man” and “I would think you’d sweat more” — were adding up, Tottle had completely forgotten about his rent.

“I rent out a small apartment above Mr. Adams’ garage, and at the time I was like three months behind. When I couldn’t get a hold of him, and after I took care of all my other bills, I thought
of the rent and I was like, ‘Oh shit.’

“Then I remembered that I was Employee of the Month at Olive Garden in September, and even though they haven’t given cash awards in forever...still, I was Employee of the Month, the highest compliment you can get in our little world.

"I got on the phone with Mr. Adams and told him, and he was like, ‘Tottle, consider us even.’”

A small degree of apprehension remains regarding tax season, but Tottle feels he'll be okay. He places a lot of faith in a co-worker who “covers the gray areas on his tax return very nicely.” Tottle said the other waiter requires all the guests that stiff him or give him extremely low cash tips to sign a form stating the (lack of) tip amount in writing for the purpose of a deduction.

Waitress Remains Calm After Guest Complaint; Wisely Turns To Voodoo Instead

2007-11-30T06:35:00.000-05:00

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Terri Lawson had heard the saying “don’t get mad, get even” many times, but when a table complained about her service, the waitress from The Great American Seafood Company saw it as an opportunity to put the axiom into practice.

“Yeah, they pissed me off at first,” said Lawson, laughing. “They complained about a bunch of stuff, giving me all kinds of problems and being really unreasonable. Then they asked to see a manager. I didn’t think their complaints were legitimate, and I thought they were all extremely rude, so I went to the break room to throw stuff around.”

Lawson said after a breaking a few things to blow off steam and plotting various forms of revenge, she regained her senses and opted for a different, non-violent path.

“After a couple of minutes it hit me: why not throw some voodoo at them instead? I mean, I thought, ‘Hey, maybe a little black magic, based on animal and human sacrifices, not to mention cannibalism, might just be in order.’ I figured if there was ever a time to summon zombies and evil spirits...whew, this was it.”

Lawson’s experience with the black art was limited at best, but what she lacked in knowledge she more than made up for in enthusiasm. In addition, what she did know was based on information garnered from some of the best movies and television shows covering the subject.

“I had a little trepidation at first,” said Lawson’s manager, Wendy Thompson. “Terri doesn’t get a lot of complaints, but customer complaints in general are unacceptable, and upper management has been pushing us to set an example.

“I really like the kid,” Thompson said, “so when I heard from another server that Terri was getting ready to pull some voodoo, I knew everything was gonna be alright.”

Lawson quickly fashioned a makeshift doll to represent a lady at the problem table. She figured she only had a little bit of time so instead of worrying about making dolls in the images of the other guests — four in all — she decided to concentrate her efforts on the “loudest, most obnoxious shit head of the bunch,” and let that serve as an example for the rest of the group.

“I put everything together kinda sloppy,” she said, “but when I asked my friend Karen who it looked like, she got the answer right on only her third guess.

“I tore up an old server’s apron I found wadded up on the floor, and used some socks and material from a shirt I found in one of the lockers...sorry, whoever’s that was. Then I stuffed the doll with the material and old magazines, and used my pen to draw her nasty, ugly face.

“Ta-da. Instant Problem Guest Voodoo Doll.”

At first, the only action she attempted involved alternately sticking pins into the top and sides of the doll. “It was something I saw once on Gilligan’s Island,” she said. “I don’t remember the whole episode...something about headhunters probably...and Gilligan found these voodoo dolls made up to represent each of the castaways. My doll didn’t have nearly the amount of detail as the ones the headhunters made, but give me a break. It was my first try.

“They’d probably made hundreds of dolls in their tribe.”

Lawson then kind of waved her hand over the doll, mumbling her own version of an incantation (“I think I might of said, ‘Ixnay on the ittyshay ehaviorbay,’ or something like that.”), and slowly began prodding the doll with the pins—lightly at first, then with deep, digging thrusts.

“I was just doing and saying what I remembered from the movies and that television show,” she said. “I realize it was only TV, but I really loved that show when I was growing up. They were always trying to find a way off that stinking island, but Gilligan continually bungled every attempt. The rest of them were troopers, though, and never gave up.”

When asked if the efforts had any effect, Lawson said, “No. I’m pretty sure they are still on the island.”

After a few minutes, Lawson went to her table where she overheard one of the guests ask the “target guest” if her headache was going away. When the target rubbed the back of her neck, and said it was actually getting worse and spreading to her neck and upper back, Lawson let out a little high-pitched yelp and clapped her hands together in excitement. Word of the success quickly spread around the dining room.

The guests left soon after, and most of the staff gathered immediately around Lawson. When someone asked her the amount of the tip left, she said it could only be described as “a lot.”

Thompson seemed the happiest of all; a potentially volatile situation efficiently diffused. “I love it when everybody wins,” she said. “Now those guests will have a better idea of how to behave, and if not, we still have that doll.”

Though her quick thinking and actions resulted in what was apparently the best possible outcome, Lawson looked decidedly dejected.

“All of a sudden,” said Lawson, “I remembered from a movie that these things work both ways. According to that particular plot, when you do something like this — you know, voodoo or anything involving a curse — it also affects the person performing the ritual.

“Paybacks are a bitch.” She sighed. “I just started my period.”

____________________

In the next installment of Don't Tip the Waiter:

"Waiter Pays Bills With Verbal Tips"

Stupidest Thing I've Ever Said In A Restaurant

2007-11-29T20:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, kids...I went to a relatively decent restaurant for dinner this evening. Having been a waiter and bartender for over 12 years, you would think I'd know better than to say stupid shit to a server, right?

Apparently not.

Waitress: Hi, my name is Amanda, and I'll be your server tonight. Our specials are right here on this menu, and each entree includes soup or a salad.

Dennis: What's your soup today?

Waitress: Our soup of the day is actually chili.

Dennis: Oh...really? Well, could you warm that up for me?

It may have been my imagination, but I swear each employee that passed my table for the duration of the meal had a hand in the shape of an "L" on his/her forehead.

Waitress Has Upper Hand When Guest's Credit Card Is Declined

2007-11-29T03:36:00.000-05:00

KANSAS CITY, MO—When told his credit card had been declined, a customer at Café Felix initially maintained the same arrogance he’d exhibited throughout the meal, witnesses said. In addition, the customer forced his server, Sybil Wyatt, to make several unnecessary trips back and forth from the computer inside the popular European bistro to his table just outside the front doors. His actions irritated the usually patient Wyatt, but ultimately put her in a position of strength.

"What an ass," said Wyatt, laughing. "I had a few tables outside, and we were really busy, and here’s this inbred jackass pretending he doesn’t know his credit card is worthless. He kept making me go back and forth to run it through again."

According to Wyatt, the customer in question was the host of a party of six — she said it was a business meeting — and consistently treated her and her fellow servers in a condescending manner. At one point, she said, he found it fun to ask her to recite selections off the menu in an attempt to mix her up, and then snickered openly at her pronunciation.

"I’ve been here long enough to know how to pronounce Mejillones con Calamares y Pimientos," she said in disgust. "And I think I know the difference between Gambas con Aguacate and Gambas con Prosciutto...thank you very much."

When the customer’s credit card was rejected — 'Poetic-fucking-justice if ever there was any' — Wyatt said she discreetly whispered the news in his ear.

"I just told him the standard — you know, 'Sir, apparently our machine, for whatever reason, will not accept your credit card.' I already knew how potentially volatile this guy could be so I was just following normal procedure."

Staying true to his established pattern of behavior, the customer dismissed Wyatt with a wave of his hand, arrogantly told her the card was fine, and demanded she put it through again. Apparently, he was unaware of the fact that, when a credit card is initially declined, an employee will attempt to put it through multiple times before finally approaching the customer for another form of payment.

"I’ve been doing this a long time," said Wyatt, "and I know from experience that every once in a while a ‘good’ credit card, for whatever reason, can get declined on the first try — it happens. And one time, a card I ran through was rejected on the second try, too, and I had to put the numbers in manually.

"But if it’s still declined after that, it’s not the card, it’s not the machine, and it’s definitely not me...it’s your dumb ass, Mr. Customer. Ha."

After her second trip to the table, Wyatt explained that the card still wouldn’t go through, and asked for another form of payment. The customer, however, became agitated, and asked Wyatt, "Did you try putting the numbers in by hand? Sometimes you have to put the numbers in by hand?"

Said Wyatt, "Up 'til then, I’d kept the situation on the down-low, but he was really pissing me off so I go, 'Hey, what an incredible stroke of genius! Your parents, probably brother and sister, should've used a condom' He just got weird and demanded I try again."

Wyatt said on her third trip back she didn’t whisper and wasn’t discreet. She simply flipped the card on the table in front of the customer and said, "Thanks for continuing to waste my time, but it appears you’re screwed. Get your shit together, and I’ll be back." The customer tried to grab Wyatt before she walked away, but she explained over her shoulder that her other guests needed her attention, and they could probably pay their bills.

Sources said the customer located Wyatt inside the building and, finally showing a trace of humility, explained that he was entertaining important clients and wished to avoid any embarrassment. Café Felix manager, Tara Hunter, who had been apprised of the situation by Wyatt, stepped in and told the customer, "I don’t think Sybil is embarrassed at all...in fact, I think she’s quite enjoying this."

Without enough cash and completely at their mercy, the customer asked if they could work something out, if maybe he could write a check. Wyatt — ready to pee her pants from laughing — said, "A check? From you? Ha. Like the one you wrote for your credit card payment? You need a co-signer to pay cash, asshole!"

According to Wyatt, they did ultimately take his check, and she shamelessly demanded a substantial tip...in cash.

____________________

In the next installment of Don't Tip the Waiter:

"Waitress Remains Calm After Guest Complaint; Wisely Turns To Voo Doo Instead"

TGI Friday's Plans To Stay Open The Rest Of The Week

2007-11-28T07:04:00.000-05:00

DALLAS, TX—In a bold marketing move, TGI Friday's announced plans to abandon their conventional one-day-a-week operating schedule, and adopt a more aggressive seven-day format, according to a spokesman for Carlson Restaurants Worldwide, Friday's parent company.

"We plan to roll this out slowly," said Bob Tundy, "to make sure we do this thing right, and don't miss any days."

Tundy says the company learned a lot from the economically disastrous Friday's spin off restaurant, TGI Leap Year's.

Ask the Waiter #2

2007-11-28T06:37:00.000-05:00

Responding to your e-mails about…

Drunk Driving
Yes, it’s a serious problem, and yes, it affects restaurant employees as much as — if not more than — any other industry.

As an example, take this recent statistic: The National Transportation Safety Board reported that in 61.2% of auto accidents, the driver’s last words were “Oh shit!”

Among restaurant workers, however, 89.3% of the time the driver’s final words were “Hold my beer, and watch this!”

Finish your beer before you get behind the wheel. Numbers don’t lie.

Bar Fights
While bar fights are unpleasant, and can be avoided the vast majority of the time, even I — a passive person by nature — have been tempted to finish what some belligerent asshole started.

Last month, for example, I was sitting at Old Town Tavern in Ann Arbor, minding my own business, when in walked this huge, menacing guy — the kind of guy who simply looks like trouble. He seemed as if he could lift a ton, but not spell it.

Sure enough, shortly after downing his first beer, he bellowed out of nowhere, “All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of shit heads!” Then he pointed to my side of the bar, and asked, “Anyone got a problem with that?” The whole place got quiet.

A few minutes later, the same guy, after chugging another beer, growled, “And all you guys on the other side of the bar are butt pipes!” he pointed and belched, and then asked, “Anybody got a problem with that?” Again, the whole bar was silent.

Well, even though nobody else was moving, I’d had about enough of this piece of work. But just as I got up off my bar stool, he squared in front of me and asked, “You got a problem, buddy?”

I weighed my options. “Oh no,” I said, fearlessly. “I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

Recipe Error
A few months ago, I included a recipe in this column for Chanterelle Mushroom Soup. The recipe calls for three cups sliced Chanterelle mushrooms, and I even included a photo so readers could go out and pick their own if they wanted. Unfortunately, a colleague pointed out that I unknowingly provided a photo of the Destroying Angels mushroom instead. You don’t want that one. That mushroom will kill you if you eat it.

Oops.

Even though I haven’t received a single e-mail regarding this error, I felt it best to post a correction.

Servers Complain Black Bartender Is "Stealing All The White Chicks"

2007-11-27T06:58:00.000-05:00

MONROE, MI—Bruce Willingham makes friends easily everywhere he goes, and has successfully parlayed his charismatic personality into an above-average income and relatively tranquil work environment. Recently, however, the winds have somewhat shifted. Though the bartender is still a guest favorite at Buffalo Wild Wings, he's making waves with the restaurant staff.

Apparently, Willingham's easy way with women has caused the wait staff to bristle. "It's pretty much understood," said long-time Buffalo Wild Wings waiter, Dustin Regal, "if one of us is interested in a new waitress or an especially hot restaurant guest, we have to go through Bruce first.

"That goes double if she's white," he said, with more than a little contempt.

The controversy stems not so much from animosity toward Willingham or any inherent distaste regarding interracial trysts, but from what much of the staff call "blatant cock-blocking." According to sources, even when someone makes their intentions to pursue a female employee or guest perfectly clear, Willingham swoops in with his "charming smile and razor-sharp wit" and undermines any previous efforts.

"He doesn't throw up false pretenses either," said dining room manager Joseph Hatfield. "Just last weekend, I was at the door on a really busy night, and these two beautiful white women came in without a reservation. As is customary, I suggested they wait at the bar until a table was ready."

According to Hatfield, Willingham did not wait long to put on the moves.

"No sooner had I walked back to my station at the door when I look over and Bruce is putting cocktail napkins down in front of them, flashing that winning smile. I eased over to the bar and, as I kept walking past, I could overhear bits and pieces of their conversation: 'Would you ladies care for a cock –' and 'Once you try my Jumbo –'

"The nerve of this guy," said Hatfield. "And the whole time the girls are sitting there giggling, captivated by the master. During one of my walk-bys, I overheard one of the girls laugh and say, 'That sounds like it may be too much for us to handle.'

"Of course, Bruce is right there, ready with a comeback…something about it being 'perfect for both of you to share.' Just sick."

When Willingham was asked if any of these allegations have merit – if he is, in fact, a "charming, witty, ruthless, black cock-blocker who deviously uses his position behind the bar to first meet, then seduce, the steady flow of incoming white chicks, only to push past after a whirlwind encounter to the next available conquest" – he laughed good-naturedly.

"I wish," he said. "The only social life I really have is in the Internet chat rooms, and even then everyone is always chatting over me. I've met a couple nice ladies on line, but no one seems to be overly interested in a middle-age bartender with little in the bank and even less in the way of formal education.

"At work I just do what I can to make every guest feel like they matter and every employee feel comfortable working with me. I don't care if you're white, black or purple."

Willingham paused as a guest approached the bar. "Now if you will excuse me," he said quietly with a wink, "that slutty, little, white bitch walking over looks like she could really use a Chocolate Martini."

New Hostess Starts Smoking To Fit In

2007-11-25T09:56:00.000-05:00

ANN ARBOR, MI—Carrie Hopkins, the new hostess at Paesano’s, had a difficult time making friends her first few weeks on the job. The staff, many of whom she was forced to work with on a regular basis, paid her little attention other than to offer a cursory greeting or sharp criticism.

Hopkins continually found herself on the outside of co-workers’ inside jokes, garnered evil looks when attempting to help clear tables in the dining room, and even the restaurant’s break room — traditionally a sanctuary for restaurant employees — grew uncomfortably silent any time she ventured in.

Thanks to Marlboro, that’s all changed.

“I owe Philip Morris my life,” said Hopkins, reflectively. “You don’t understand. When I first got here, it was like I had cancer or some—”

“Hey, Carrie,” interrupted a passing waiter.

“What’s up, Tony. What are you doing tonight?” Hopkins asked.

“Hopefully you.”

According to sources, due to the higher-than-average turnover rate in the industry, it is common for long-term employees of a restaurant to take their time getting to know the new help. As one veteran put it: “People come and go in this business, and it seems as if just when I’m getting to know and like a new co-worker, they leave for a better job, or do something stupid and get fired. I don’t even want to know anybody’s name until they’ve been here at least a couple of months. Why bother?”

While this logic may apply in Hopkins’ case to a degree, she claims the way she was treated went beyond the usual keep-some-distance-for-a-while attitude adopted by veteran employees, and said she felt unable to relate to any of her co-workers on any level.

Hopkins said the turning point came last week. She was sitting in the break room by herself, considering the possibility of a new job, when she glanced down and noticed the open pack of Marlboro Lights in the middle of the break room table. Hopkins mind immediately flashed to the night before when she talked the situation over with her mother, and was advised to find something in common with her new peers.

“While I was talking with my mom, I was going over all the things I may have in common with my co-workers. I was like, okay I’m not a single mom, I don’t have a problem with alcohol or drug abuse, I don’t swear, and this definitely is a temporary job.

“Then I thought, ‘Carrie you don’t smoke, but you can darn well learn.’”

Shortly after she lit up, a waiter entered the break room to get ready for his shift. Hopkins said the waiter’s eyes initially passed over her, and then quickly darted back to form a stare.

“Oh, Todd totally did a double-take,” Hopkins said, laughing. “He asked me if he could get a light from me, and then introduced himself. Hey, I just worked with this guy something like five shifts in a row, but...whatever.

“‘Hi, Todd. Good to meet you. I’m Carrie.’ My mom was so happy.”

Beginning that very evening, Hopkins’ life became a whirlwind of barhopping, parties, and other social engagements. Many nights after work, when multiple activities are planned, it is common to hear people say, “I’m doing whatever Carrie’s doing.”

“Things are good now,” she said, “but I just met this hot guy I like who doesn’t smoke...though he is a drinker. I don’t drink...yet, but I now know I can learn. I’ve found that if I hold my nose, I can almost do a shot of Jägermeister.”

SPECIAL REPORT: Are Pizza Delivery Drivers Lazy?

2007-11-23T09:29:00.000-05:00

CHICAGO, IL—A recent study at the University of Illinois (Chicago) offers strong evidence that pizza delivery drivers may be inherently lazy.

The study was conducted by the Survey Research Laboratory — part of the school’s College of Urban Planning and Public Affairs — and of the 800 delivery drivers polled, 78% said the single most important element in searching for a new job is the length of the employment application.

"Time is money," said Pizza Fresh driver, Ted Stone. "I would rather spend my time delivering pizza and collecting tips than filling out pointless applications.

"One place — I can’t remember exactly which one — even wanted to sit down and talk to me first...something about an interview. I never mind sitting down, but who has time to talk? Talking doesn’t get the hot, delicious pizza delivered to the hungry customer’s door.

"Now if you’ll excuse me," said Stone, yawning, "I think I need a nap."

According to the comprehensive study, industry workers regularly share information with one another regarding the length of the application process at the pizza restaurants in any given area, and Stone offered commentary based on a sampling of these establishments.

The results:

Sloppy Joe’s: Home of the No-Crust Pizza
"Four pages…totally ridiculous.
"These people want to know if I’ve ever served in the military. Like, what the hell? I’m driving a car, not flying a plane."

Kowalski’s Pizza & Pierogies
"Front and back of one piece of paper. Not bad, but includes the always annoying ‘Give a good and bad example of customer service.’

"Okay. ‘Good customer service: I ordered a pizza and got it. Bad customer service: I asked for a pizza job, and got a bunch of stupid questions.’"

Who Wants Pizza?
"Write your name and phone number on a piece of receipt tape. Nice. This put Who Wants Pizza? in the lead until...."

Pizza Freak
"Hi, I see a pizza under the lamp with an address.... Would you like me to deliver it?"

Over A Dozen Reported Dead; Restaurant In Chaos

2007-11-22T16:53:00.000-05:00

KANSAS CITY, MO—Wave after wave of hungry and impatient customers caused the deaths of at least a dozen entrees in the kitchen at Romano’s Macaroni Grill last week, while many more lay dying in the window.

"This one can’t be saved," yelled veteran waiter Justin Black, frantically, as he quickly scanned the stainless steel shelf under the heat lamps for any signs of life.

The horde of diners poured in at around 3 PM — well before the dinner shift arrives — leaving the understaffed restaurant in chaos. Everywhere in the dining room, tables continued to pile up as the few employees on the clock were sat three and four at a time. Even management scrambled from one phase of the serving process to the next, illegibly scribbling their names on the paper tablecloths and struggling to balance the act of greeting the newcomers with taking care of those already seated.

"I’ve got a Mama’s Trio down," screamed one hysteric waitress over the confusion. "Oh my God!"

Another waitress, tears streaming down her cheeks, stared at the lifeless Pollo Magro in her hands. "This 'Skinny Chicken' has breathed its last," she sniffled.

In all, more than 12 entrees died — mostly in the area of Amore De La Grill, according to reports. The dead included four Boursin Filet, two Pollo Magro, a Simple Salmon, a Lobster Ravioli, and a Pasta Milano. Also among the casualties were two Mushroom Ravioli and a Mussels Tarantina from the Antipasti region, authorities said.

Carter's Pizza "Delivery Ovens" Recalled

2007-11-21T15:46:00.000-05:00

BROOKLYN, NY—Carter’s Pizza was forced to recall all 30,000 units of its new Series 1000 Quick-Bake Delivery Oven last week, sources said. The move, prompted by several "unfortunate incidents," came less than 30 days after the company installed the new equipment in the vehicles of every delivery driver in the country.

According to reports, despite the costly installation and training process, the company announced the massive recall after the ovens were linked to passenger-seat fires, asphyxiation, spontaneous combustion, and a long list of other accidents.

The oven was designed to cook pizzas during actual delivery, thus cutting down delivery time on long-distance runs, and fed off the heat generated by the delivery car’s engine. While the equipment could potentially save restaurants the expense of in-store ovens and associated utility costs, according to company spokesman, Heinrich Cantrell, the possibility of lawsuits by the victim’s families and customers far outweighs any potential savings.

"On behalf of our entire organization," said Cantrell in a prepared statement, "I wish to convey our deepest condolences to everyone affected by this obvious misjudgment on the part of our company.

"Our thoughts are with our employees and their families, especially that kid from store #3303 up in Albany…what’s that kid’s name? It was Patrick, wasn’t it? That was particularly gruesome; though I’m sure he never felt a thing.

"Additionally," continued Cantrell, "any customer whose delivery was delayed by these accidents — and the subsequent ghastly, fiery deaths — will be e-mailed a voucher for one free pizza.

"That’s right. At Carter’s Pizza, we honor our 21-minute delivery guarantee. No matter what. Unless, of course, you try something slick…like, ordering a whole bunch of pizzas with the hope that we can’t possibly make and deliver them in time. We are customer-service oriented, not stupid.

"On a brighter note," said a smiling Cantrell, "that lady who caught the McDonald’s coffee in her crotch is looking like a bit of a pussy right now, eh?"

Cliché Café Owners Think "Outside The Box"

2007-11-19T16:59:00.000-05:00

PROVIDENCE, RI—While area cafés are a dime a dozen—Providence and the surrounding region boast no less than 62—the new Cliché Café appears to have hit one out of the ballpark. Ali Saad and Massoud Yash, co-owners of the establishment, admit they took a bath on their last venture, but insist every cloud has a silver lining, and this time around they are laughing all the way to the bank.

The business Saad and Yash owned together prior to Cliché Café was an endangered species-based theme restaurant, and while many thought the concept was the greatest thing since sliced bread, the owners quickly realized they bit off more then they could chew.

"We knew we were breaking new ground," said Saad, "and any time an idea goes against the grain, you are really going out on a limb.

"Yash and I bet the farm on that one, but at the end of the day we understood we had placed all our eggs in one basket, and found ourselves between a rock and a hard place. We had no choice but to run for the hills and cut our losses."

After the initial venture went under, it wasn’t long before the two saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Pooling their ideas and limited resources, together they came up with the concept for the café, and jumped in feet first.

Said Yash, "Saad and I got right back on our horses, figuring it was no use crying over spilt milk. We kept reminding ourselves that, if at first you don’t succeed…."

Following the philosophy that whatever doesn’t kill them makes them stronger, the partners proceeded to blaze a new trail in the area of concept cafés.

"Either you sink or swim," said Saad, "and worst case scenario, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn sometimes.

"Sure, we face challenges on a daily basis, but if we nip them in the bud and stay the course, there’s no way on God’s green earth we won’t at least keep our heads above water…knock on wood."

Yash said they’ve learned that taking it slow and steady wins the race, and wouldn’t give this project up for anything.

"Not for all the tea in China," he said. "To coin a phrase."

(More Of The) Funniest Things Overheard In A Restaurant

2007-11-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

Guest: How long does it take to prepare the Paella? I understand that takes a while…is that true? And is that spicy? I can’t eat spicy food. Oh, the Cioppino looks good…is that good? Is the Oysters Rockefeller filling? I mean is it big enough for a meal—

Waitress: Okay, ma’am, for the sake of the other guests I’m really going to have to limit you to just 20 questions.

Guest: Really?

Waitress: 19....

____________________

Wife: I remember now. My husband always has Peppercorn Cucumber dressing on his salad at home, not here.

Waiter: Of course he does. And I just had your car towed.

Wife: What?

Waiter: I mean…great. The chef says we are out of Poppy Seed Cannabis, anyway.

Husband and Wife (in unison): That’s Peppercorn Cucumber.

Funniest Things Overheard In A Restaurant

2007-11-18T17:18:00.000-05:00

Waiter: Okay then, let’s begin with — you have your drinks…would you care to start with an appetizer? Maybe shrimp cocktail or oysters on the half shell?

Wife (looking at her husband): Mmmmmm — raw oysters, Henry. They’re an aphrodisiac you know.

Husband: Are they fresh?

Waiter: They’re very fresh, and they are, as your wife said, a potent aphrodisiac. In fact, just this morning I accidentally dropped a dozen oysters down the toilet — now the seat won’t go down.

Wife (making a sour face at her husband): Oh. No. Forget it then. We don’t want them from the toilet.

____________________

Husband: I’d like the biggest steak you’ve got. And no potatoes, extra vegetables. We’re watching our carbs.

Waitress: How would you like your steak done?

Husband: Knock the cow down, wipe his butt, and throw him on my plate.

Waitress: One rare steak for the gentleman.

Wife: You know, that sounds good. I’d like to change my order to steak, also.

Waitress: And how would you like that prepared, ma’am?

Wife: Oh. Uh, knock me down...uh...wipe my butt, and uh...oh, and throw up on my plate. And could I have some more ice water?

____________________

“I think all restaurant diners who don’t tip at least 18% for decent service should be shot – lined up outside against the restaurant wall and ceremoniously shot in the ass…and people who run their server like a dog or order items not on the menu, too.”

— Anonymous waitress when asked the correct time

Guest Post #1: Waiter Escorts Customer Out Via Waterboard

2007-11-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

by Tony Dine

Newly hired waiter Alberto Gonzalez surprised customers and coworkers alike when he whisked an indecisive customer away on a waterboard during his first Saturday shift.

“I know I’m new,” Gonzalez said. “But what the hell? I asked if they were ready to order. They said yes. Is it too much to expect them to then tell me what they want?”

Police said witness' descriptions of the event generally concur. Said a police spokesperson: “Sometime around 7 o’clock last Saturday, Mr. Gonzalez was told by the hostess he had a table of six, and after returning with drinks, Mr. Gonzalez asked if they were ready to order. Apparently all or most of the table responded in the affirmative. As Mr. Gonzalez stood there, however, no one spoke, and after what witnesses say was either a 'couple minutes' or an 'eternity of silence,' Mr. Gonzalez stormed away. "

Witnesses then heard him mutter, "Don’t want to talk, I’ll make you fucking talk.”

“Oh he was definitely pissed,” said Julie, a server who works with Gonzalez. “Why shouldn’t he be pissed? I mean, we’ve all been there. You ask if they are ready, they say yes, then they sit there like a bunch of fucking Marcel Marceaus. I’ve been close to putting my wine key into someone’s eye myself.”

According to witnesses, Gonzales returned with a long board, pail of water, and kitchen rag, and leaned the board against a nearby table before seizing one of the indecisive customers. Gonzalez then quickly strapped the stunned patron to the board, and reportedly giggled as he covered the victim’s head with the kitchen rag.

Coworker Julie said, “It was totally cool. He started pouring water on that dork’s head and screamed, ‘Tell me want you want you fucking stupid fucking idiot!’ over and over. ”

Other employees who saw the attack described Gonzales’ actions as “cool” “overdue” “totally fucking sick dude” and “beyond awesome.”

A coworker who wished to remain anonymous said, “The only thing that pissed me off is that he wouldn’t let me get in on it. I was like, dude, give me a turn, and he was all, ‘No, Precious doesn’t need help.’ Selfish fucker.”

When reached for comment, the owners of the restaurant said, “Al Gonzales is a man of integrity, decency and principle. After unfair treatment by one table that created a harmful distraction for the entire staff, Mr. Gonzales decided to take certain action and we accept his decision.”

Mr. Gonzales formerly served at the White House and Justice Department. The investigation into this incident is ongoing.

(Note: I wish to thank Tony for this contribution, and encourage others to send me original articles for future "Guest Posts." -- Dennis)

Restaurant Manager Gives Sexual Favors As Performance Bonuses

2007-11-16T11:35:00.000-05:00

ATLANTA, GA—While many area restaurant workers worry and sweat in anticipation of an imminent job-related performance review, employees at Applebee’s in Atlanta have adopted an entirely different attitude toward the employment evaluation process. This is due in no small part to the fact that Lisa Blanco, the general manager, rewards superior employee performance with sexual favors. She’s even written a book about it, sharing these and other unconventional management ideas in her version of a restaurant manual, Inside Lisa Blanco.

“We have the lowest turnover rate in the company,” said Blanco, beaming. “I’m very proud of the fact that when I get an employee, I know how to keep that employee happy and productive.”

According to Blanco, she started this unusual practice about five years ago, shortly after being promoted to management and immediately after her first husband died. However, this particular motivational technique is deeply ingrained in her nature, and has served her well in many other areas, and at many other times in her life.

“When I was a waitress with this and other companies,” she explained, “I loved my job and took it very seriously. I was continually looking for ways to increase my tips while making the customer happy. Hell, I understood this philosophy way back in high school when I felt I deserved a certain grade, but the professor saw things differently…at first.

“I learned there had to be balance; it had to be a win/win situation for everyone concerned—I’ve always had high values and integrity. I learned that to get what I wanted it only made sense that I needed to give the customer what he wanted, and I knew I already gave above-average service.

“At that point,” she said, “I just needed to learn to give above-average head.”

Blanco’s record of accomplishment is excellent. Her store outperforms virtually every other Applebee’s in the district—and is consistently in the top-five of all the Applebee’s in the country—in sales, service, customer satisfaction, product quality, even penmanship and, for obvious reasons, employee satisfaction. In addition, her restaurant has maintained almost the exact same staff for the last three years, well beyond any previous company records.

When asked if the transition to her new ideas went smoothly, Blanco said: “Some of my ideas were unprecedented, but once they saw that I was sincere, it was easy to grab the whole staff. At the same time, even though I had my goals clearly outlined, it took me a little while to truly get to know the person under the uniform.

“Anyone who’s ever spent any time in this business,” she said, absently stroking an Applebee’s pen while gazing reflectively at the wall, “understands that working in a busy restaurant can be a high-pressure, potentially explosive experience. We are, after all, a melting pot of diverse personalities, working closely together under often-stressful circumstances. With all the sharp knives around, it really is a miracle there aren’t more accidents—”

A waiter with a void that needed to be signed interrupted her. Blanco smiled coyly and reminded the waiter that a server or bartender’s total number of voids and comps—basically, anything given away to the customer—weighs heavily during an employee evaluation, and this particular waiter had a performance review the following week. Blanco patted his behind as she sent him on his way. He smiled sheepishly, and went back to work.

Blanco’s book hit the stores in September, and while restaurant-related books and unique management philosophies are not new, the manner in which she covers the subject is slowly setting her book apart from the rest.

“The whole experience with the book was amazing. I guess you could call it a manual—but in reality, many people other than restaurant people are reading it, and the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. I even have an agent now,” she said proudly. “I’m asked to do speaking engagements regularly, and I’m putting together material for a second book—complete with photos and illustrations.”

While Blanco was working on the final draft of her book, she was forced to spend more time away from her restaurant than she wanted and, consequently, trained several of her managers in the motivational techniques—as well as reward/punishment procedures—she found most successful. Though their approach may differ from Blanco’s, her employees aren’t complaining. Several even went as far as to suggest to the corporate office that Blanco’s philosophy be adopted company-wide, and because of those suggestions, two senior corporate managers plan a visit to observe, and possibly make recommendations, sometime next month.

“It’s great timing,” said Larry Ward, who was brought over by Blanco after working with her at another restaurant. “If I’m not mistaken, most of us are up for a review right around the time those big-wigs are supposed to be here. They’ll get to see hands-on what gives us such a strong unit.

“Sure we go against almost every modern axiom pertaining to manager/employee relations, but Lisa took the single most important principle—keeping your employees happy—and does it better than anyone else could ever dream.

“While everyone else is looking outside the box,” he said, “we’re all looking inside hers.”

PMS Now The Number One Cause Of Death In Restaurants

2007-11-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

DALLAS, TX—According to recent studies, food poisoning is no longer the biggest threat to a restaurant customer’s health. Waitresses with Pre-Menstrual Syndrome (WPMS) now tops the list, and unlike food borne illnesses, the effects on a customer after a bout with WPMS are almost immediate.

"Right away, I felt an incredible burning sensation, and shortly after that, blisters began to form on my fingertips," said Jason Wright, a regular customer at Hard Rock Café in Dallas, describing a recent incident at the popular music-oriented bar & restaurant where his waitress assured him that the plate she’d just placed in front of him was not the least bit hot.

Curiously, WPMS affects male customers far more than their female counterparts and, though death is a possible result, the most common outcome is severe bodily harm.

"I just think that female restaurant customers have stronger antibodies and an immune system more appropriately structured to deal with WPMS," said a restaurant industry expert known simply as Restaurant Gal. "Women seem to inherently sense when possible infection of the syndrome is imminent, and invariably take the necessary precautions. They understand the potential danger more completely, and much more quickly, than men do...if they ever do.

"The truth is," she added, "in the vast majority of cases I’ve seen, the situation could've probably been avoided, but men are totally clueless."

She says symptoms of WPMS include smashed fingers and toes, hot liquid in the victim’s lap, prolonged hunger and, when a victim makes a statement such as, "We’d like our check, please," RG says typical WPMS-related responses might be: "People in hell want ice water," "Tough shit, douche-bag," or "Did you look up your ass?"

Restaurant HOROSCOPES...correction

2007-11-15T07:15:00.001-05:00

Upset Waitress was kind enough to point out that I forgot a Restaurant Horoscope for owners. While I normally place this fine group of people in the same category as General Managers (to be sure, my former GMs walked around like they owned the place), I do appreciate the distinction. So....

Restauarnt Owner
You are not only the most important person in this restaurant, but in ALL of Restaurant Land. Take things way too seriously today.

Restaurant HOROSCOPES...by job description

2007-11-14T12:39:00.000-05:00

General Manager
“GM” really stands for Gay Male, and you know it. Isn’t it time to let everyone else know it, too?

Assistant Manager
“Ass Man” really stands for…well, that one is self-explanatory, isn’t it?

Banquet Manager
Quick question…what is it exactly that you do when there aren’t any large parties scheduled? Just wondering.

Pastry Chef
You are very much appreciated. You wear so many hats around here. However, clearly the most adorable is the tall, puffy white one that says, “Eat me! I taste like frosting!”

Sommelier
You took this job because you like the way the name sounded when you said it…soh-mahl-eee-yay.... Mmmmm…. But, since maybe 4% of the population understands what you do, just continue to make stuff up. Those of us in the 4% think it’s a hoot.

Chef
Yes, roux is a mixture of flour and fat, cooked slowly and stirred constantly over a low heat. Yes, there are three classic roux: white, blonde and brown. Yes, roux is used as a thickener. No, it doesn’t work down your pants.

Bartender
With the constant threat of terrorism and gas prices skyrocketing, times are hard right now. Always remember your pour count: “One for them, two for me. One for them, three for me….”

Server
Remember last week at your table, when your pants accidentally fell around your ankles just as you were coincidentally saying, “Ever seen one of these before?” Even though you were talking about your cool, new pen, someone thinks you owe Mrs. Bartow an apology.

Busboy
Awww…we see you picking food off trays on the way back to the kitchen. It’s okay, you’ve earned it. Just be sure to wash your hands before you eat.

Hostess
Okay. You did not get all dressed up to help bus tables. There are bussers for that. That’s why they’re called “bussers.” You are the FACE of this restaurant, dammit. Stand your ground.

Dishwasher
It sucks cleaning up other people’s crap, but remember: in several other lines of work, your condition—hot, wet, and stoned—is a good thing.

Valet
Drive it like you stole it. Might as well…once you leave the parking lot, that’s what they are going to say, anyway.

Feel free to add your own in the "Comments" section....

Boring Shift Brought To Life By Popular TV Game Show

2007-11-14T08:46:00.000-05:00

SAN DIEGO, CA—A slow night was averted at a suburban San Diego Outback last week when the wait staff took a page from the popular television game show, Who’s Line is it Anyway?

Playing a game called “Questions Only,” the servers instantly went from yawning to yelling, and though most participants claim the game was a nice change of pace, not everyone in the restaurant was as upbeat.

Those who chose to play threw in two dollars for each round and, closely following the rules of the official game, players spoke only in sentences formed into a question. Also, just like the TV version, when a player was caught not structuring his or her dialogue as a question, that player was eliminated from that specific round. The round was over when only one server was left, and the game ended with the shift.

A walk around the dining room revealed tentative conversation between server and guest, commonly consisting of carefully-constructed sentences such as “Do you want soup or salad, ma’am?” and “How would you like that steak done, sir?” In the side stand, one heard conversation starters such as “What are you doing tonight?” and “I don't know, what do you want to do?”

“This game was really fun,” said waitress, Angela Thompson. “I won a few rounds, but ended up in second place overall. I lost at the very end of the night when my last table asked me my name, and I was like, ‘uh...Angela?’”

Cheers went up from both the employees and the crowd in the nearly empty dining room when the winner, closing shift waiter Juan Ramirez-Sanchez, was announced at the end of the night. He was presented with a plaque and a crisp $20 bill by a long-time “Who’s Line” host (Drew Carey) look-alike.

“I’m absolutely elated,” said Ramirez-Sanchez, who wasn’t exactly sure how much money he won because his winnings got mixed in with his tips and his bank. “I know I’m leaving the restaurant with more than when I got here, and I had a ball. That’s all that matters.”

A few servers and all the bartenders, however, decided against playing the game due to the stringent rules and an uncontrolled environment.

“I don’t know what those assholes are saying at their tables,” said bartender, Steve Pawtech. “I just know that at the service bar they are constantly asking ‘Is my drink ready yet?’ For Christ sake...jackasses.”

“This was a great way to break up a slow shift,” said manager, Steve Vorboga. “And what luck to have Drew Carey here for the award presentation.”

Former Red Lobster Employee Expected More Love On His First Visit Back

2007-11-13T06:56:00.000-05:00

ORLANDO, FL—Steve Sutton, a waiter at the Red Lobster restaurant in Orlando until this past March, said he was "deeply disappointed" by the reception he received when he visited his former place of employment for the first time last week.

"When I quit Red Lobster to take a serving job at Joe’s Crab Shack, the people I worked with at 'The Lob' seemed genuinely upset that I was leaving," said Sutton, who held his position at Red Lobster for eight months. "I mean, sure, there are some new faces there now, but I guess I kinda thought the old crew would be happier to see me.

"I thought maybe we could have a little reunion party—the party we talked about, but never got around to having, when I left."

Although Red Lobster doesn’t take reservations, they do have "Call Ahead Seating," and Sutton made sure to get his name on the list prior to his visit. He was sure his former colleagues would see his name and word would get around, thus allowing everyone to be better prepared for his potentially emotional return. "I guess more S. Suttons eat at this Red Lobster than I thought," he said softly.

Sutton brought a friend to the restaurant with him, but said he initially had him wait outside the door because he didn’t want him to feel out of place during the inevitable back-slapping-hug-fest. He was surprised—and more than a little disappointed—when he didn’t recognize the hostess at the door.

"I walked in," said Sutton, standing up to demonstrate exactly how the scene played out, "and this girl I didn’t recognize asked, 'One for dinner?' I looked past her…like this, and I was like, 'Where’s Misty? She’s always here.' The new girl just shrugged with a blank look, and goes, 'One for dinner?'"

According to Sutton, he wasn’t especially picky regarding which server took care of him, but the first three names he rattled off to the hostess were of people not working that day, and the fourth server he mentioned, Bradley Scope, no longer worked at the restaurant ("The Brad Monster probably would’ve been excited to see me. I have to remember to give him a call"). The only person on the floor and available to take tables was Cassandra.

"Um…Cassie and I…well, we never really got along," he said. Apparently, soon after he started on the floor, he refused to switch a table in his section for one in hers, unaware that the table in his section Cassandra wanted so badly was occupied by her family. "I did her a favor," said Sutton. "They tip like shit."

Sutton sat at his table with his friend for a while, pretending he didn’t have a care in the world, but scanning the dining room and lobby the entire time in search of a familiar face.

"After we got our drinks," said Sutton, "I saw Thomas, a former co-worker, running in—late as usual. Ha. I called over to him before he darted into the kitchen, 'Hey, Thomas. Late again? Ha, ha.' He looked over, but I don’t think he recognized me. But, I did just get my hair cut."

Sutton explained the inside joke to his friend, and told him he better be prepared because with the majority of dinner servers just starting their shifts, it was only a matter of time before the swarm began. "I was pretty sure it would dawn on Thomas who it was he’d just seen, and then I figured he’d run off to find everyone. I could just picture him popping his head in the break room and the office, yelling, 'Guess who just walked in and is eating in the dining room right now!'"

After the entrees were served, and Sutton’s neck began to ache from craning it around, he decided to head to the place in the restaurant he’d spent the majority of his time: the break room. He said he thought maybe the staff had congregated there for one of their famous unofficial pre-meals.

Most of the dinner staff was there, in fact—smoking cigarettes and readying their uniforms—but Sutton said the response to his appearance was less than jubilant. "I walked in, kinda jumping into the room from outside the door, and right away things seemed different. I mean, sort of like a wake…only not as festive."

According to Sutton, he recognized a few people who glanced at him and said, "What’s up?" but since most of the faces were new to him, the most common response was "What the fuck?" He said his hellos, offered a few high-fives and half-hearted hugs, and after reassuring everyone he’d made the right career move, he then retreated out of the room self-consciously. When he returned to his table, his friend was done eating, and a dejected Sutton had the rest of his food wrapped to take home. "Jumbo Parrot Bay Coconut Shrimp isn’t all that tasty when it’s cold, and I didn’t feel much like eating, anyway," he said quietly.

Sutton said that, while his return-visit to Red Lobster wasn’t everything he anticipated, he still has many fond memories of the people and experiences from that chapter of his life. "That time Jeremy walked behind me when I was talking to one of my tables," he recalled, smiling, "and he said in a real loud voice, 'Hey, Steven, you have a phone call. I think it’s your boyfriend.' Ha. Or when Tiffany spiked the coke I kept in the side stand with rum and I got suspended…oh boy! Good times. Or how about the time someone found my work pants in my locker, and slit the bottom of all the pockets so I left a little trail of money all over the dining room—I still don’t know who did it, but I’ll getcha, ha!"

Sutton paused to reflect. "I’ll never forget that place," he said, tearfully, "and those memories are something no one can ever take away."

New Father Takes Home To Job With Him

2007-11-12T07:59:00.000-05:00

DEXTER, MI—Brian Burke, a waiter at Argieros Italian Restaurant who recently became a first-time father, may need to catch up on his sleep. Since his wife came home from the hospital with their newborn last week, Burke routinely forgets orders, runs food to the wrong tables, and has developed a habit of dropping things.

Yesterday, Burke misplaced an entire tray of drinks. "We still haven't found them," Burke said, yawning.

Co-workers report that Burke's professional tableside manner has been replaced by odd, repetitive phrases spoken in a singsong voice. "When I asked Brian if he'd seen my wine key," said fellow waiter Vince Sardina, "he crouched down with his hands on his knees, and with a big grin on his face he kept repeating, 'Where is it? Ah, where is it? Do you know where it is?'

"I told him I didn't know—that's why I asked him. He kept saying, 'Yes you dooo. Ah, yes you dooo.' What a jackass."

Management of the popular restaurant agree something might have to be done soon. Said manager Carol Timmons, "It's one thing to wave goodbye to the guests leaving the restaurant, and saying, 'Night, night' to them.

"But we have to draw the line when that grown man came in—kind of a burly, biker-looking guy—asked for directions to the bathroom, and Brian responded, 'Do you have to go potty? Who has to go potty?'"

Bartenders Use Various Pick-Up Lines To Increase Business

2007-11-11T09:26:00.000-05:00

ANN ARBOR, MI—In an effort to increase long-term business and short-term tips, bartenders at the Blind Pig in Ann Arbor are trying out some of their favorite pick-up lines on customers.

“We began this experiment a short while ago,” said Manny Latrosse, a bartender at the popular bar, “and it may be too early to tell what lines work best, or if this whole thing will even pay off at all.

"Excuse me for a sec,” he said, turning to a female bar patron a few seats over. “Hi, I’m Manny. What’s a slut like you doing in a classy place like this?”

Like every other bar and restaurant in the area, the Blind Pig has experienced a relative decline in sales over the past few years, and while experts point to a struggling economy, Manny—along with his fellow bartenders and much of the management staff—feels that people are still going to go out to eat and drink somewhere, and it’s up to them to differentiate themselves from the competition.

“If the economy is so bad,” said Latrosse, “why are there so many new bars and restaurants opening up all the time? I mean, it’s not like they’re all folding with new ones taking over. These places are going up one on top of the—

“Hold on one minute, okay?” he said as a new guest walked up to the bar. “Well, hello there, miss. I’m Manny, and I have to tell you...that’s a nice set of legs you got there. What time do they open?”

The new program, implemented slowly during the last part of March, has the full backing of management, who felt that something was necessary.

“We weren’t finding solutions in the Blind Pig corporate manuals or company-wide marketing tools,” said General Manager Al Frenche. “We tried direct mail. We tried the guy in the blindfolded pig costume out by our main crossroads. Nothing. We even tried an employee-sponsored car wash in the parking lot. Not even topless barmaids giving free car washes worked...well, I should back up a minute. That brought in customers, but completely the wrong crowd for us. Strictly seafood lovers.”

“I guess we got the idea from one of my regulars,” said bartender Matt Lincoln. “This guy is great. He is always in here with a different girl, and he is so smooth. I overheard him talking to these two girls he’d just met here at the bar...he was looking one of them straight in the eyes, and he said, ‘Do you like to dance? Well, then could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?’ It was unbelievable, like magic. She got up and went to the bathroom or something, and he sat there talking to her friend.

“I overheard him saying things like, ‘Is that a keg in your pants? Because I’d sure love to tap that ass.’ And ‘Hey, wanna play war? I’ll lay on the floor, and you can blow the fuck out of me.’

“It was obvious that this guy was a pro, but I figured with a little practice, maybe we could learn the basics and generate business, meet a few new people, and make money for the bar and ourselves along the way.

“Could you excuse me?" he said as he turned to a heavy-set woman. "Good evening, ma’am. My name is Matt, and I have to say that for a fat girl, you sure don’t sweat much.”

Initially, management and staff were unsure of the role the female bartenders would play in the experiment. Some thought the program too aggressive, and brought up the possibility that the male customers might be put off or otherwise uncomfortable.

“I understand their concern,” said Rebecca Canton, a barmaid and waitress, “but I can be subtle when I need to be. My very first shift after we started this, I hadn’t even gotten in the door yet, and this guy was holding it open for me.

“I remembered our training, and I said to him, ‘I’m gonna have sex with you tonight...so you might as well be there.’ Presto. The guy follows me to the bar, and like magic I have a new friend. He even invited a bunch of his buddies up for drinks, and we had an unforgettable time.

“I’ll be right back,” she said with a wink as she greeted a new customer, a middle-aged woman with designer clothing. “Hi, I’m Becky...and I may not be the best looking girl here, but I’m the only one talking to you.”

While the jury is still out on this project, business does seem to be picking up, and the attitude and philosophy have made their way to the adjoining downstairs bar, Eight Ball Saloon, where Alex, a bartender with almost 37 years under his belt, could be heard asking his guest, “Did you sit in a puddle of water, or are you just happy to see me?”

SPECIAL REPORT: Are Gays Working In Restaurants?

2007-11-10T08:20:00.000-05:00

LOS ANGELES, CA—Despite contrary claims, strong evidence has recently surfaced to support the fact that there may be gays working in restaurants across the country right now. In fact, industry experts say that as many as one in seven restaurants in the United States have, or have had at some point, a gay server or bartender.

"I find those statistics astounding," said Dr. Matthew Schlepp, a professor and head of the Sociology department at Eastern Michigan University. "I mean management I can understand, but the service end of the food and beverage industry has always seemed beyond this sort of cultural phenomenon."

Schlepp wasn’t the only one surprised by the results. Many servers and bartenders expressed shock at the findings, most saying they’d surely know if a co-worker is gay, adding, "Not that there is anything wrong with that...some of my best friends are gay."

Graham McDonald, an analyst for Toshebe and Associates—a consulting firm specializing in gay studies and the relationship between gay behavior and the work force—said, "Not that long ago, around the late 70’s, rumors were all over the place that gay people had 'infiltrated' the restaurant service profession.

"Now remember," he said, "at that time, gays were concentrated almost exclusively in specific areas: Native Americans, soldiers, construction workers, cops, cowboys, and bikers were pretty much the only job fields represented, and for a server or bartender to be associated with this group was...well, that would be completely crossing the line. It was simply unheard of, and of course, it turned out to be totally untrue.

"That said," McDonald continued, "the resulting hubaloo caused quite a stir, and the service industry quietly adopted a sort of 'don’t ask, don’t tell' philosophy to better deal with similar situations in the future."

There are, however, a few—a very vocal few—who believe gays not only work in the industry in general, but that they have gay workers among the ranks of their very own restaurant.

As the debate rages on—urban legend or cover up—some people have openly questioned what difference it really makes. If a server does his job efficiently and gets along with the rest of the staff, they ask, shouldn’t that server be judged on the quality of his work instead of what, and who, he does outside of work?

"I can see how the rumors got started," said Bob Evans dining room manager, Scott Travayne. "There may be a few gays scattered around here and there, no big deal.

"Truth is, I’m pretty sure I’ve worked with a couple over the years, and it makes for a completely different work environment. When there’s a gay man around, even straight men feel obliged to hug."

Travayne continued, "Again, I never said anything to anyone because it really isn’t anyone’s business, you know? But based on my experience with working with all types of people, plus the fact that my entire family is gay, I can quickly pick up on these things."

Travayne said he was exposed to many aspects of a gay environment at a very young age.

"Let’s see," he said. "We’ve known about my older brother for a long time, and my younger brother recently came out—I mean, he really came out. My father left my mother for another man when I was, like, 15. Then there’s my uncle who’s in his 50s, and he never married. Makes you think."

When asked if anyone in his family prefers women, Travayne said, "Well, yeah…but unfortunately, it’s my wife." He paused. "I guess I missed the signs on that one."

Waitress Having Affair With Manager Still Can't Get Weekend Off

2007-11-09T13:17:00.000-05:00

PORT ORANGE, FL—Though Helen McMurphy, a waitress at the local Lone Star Steakhouse & Saloon has been dating her manager, Harold Global, for almost three months, she says her recent request for important time off has been denied.

“I think it’s bullshit,” said McMurphy. “I mean, I do everything that’s asked of me...if you know what I mean, and all I asked for was a stinking weekend off.

“He says we’re already short-handed. Well guess what, Harry…next time you want me to do that thing with the baby oil while you’re driving? I’m sorry, Harry, I can’t reach…I’m short-handed!”

On his part, Global insisted that the denied request is simply a matter of bad timing, and when told of her comments, he completely disagreed.

“That’s not all she asks for,” he said. “Oh, no. Helen is constantly looking for favoritism, and in fact, this may be the most high-maintenance affair with an employee I’ve ever been in. My own wife doesn’t ask for as much as this girl.”

Global added that McMurphy rarely does what she’s asked to do at work, and he already regrets helping her get into her new apartment because, “If she cleans her apartment the way she does her side work, I’ll never get my security deposit back.”

Ask the Waiter #1

2007-11-08T15:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Waiter,

I’m writing this because I have no where else to turn. I hope that you can help me. My ex-girlfriend—she and I have been waiting tables together for almost a year—dumped me recently for one of our restaurant’s busboys. She gave me the news after a busy Friday night shift, the night we usually spend fooling around in my hot tub. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t work the exact same schedule, and if they weren’t so openly chummy all the time.

She continually helps the guy do his job, jumping over when he’s clearing a table and pre-bussing her own tables far more than necessary, and anytime her tables need anything, he is on top of it before they have to ask. Sounds like a great team, right? Sounds like a healthy relationship, doesn’t it? Let me tell you, neither of them is really like this. He’s a lazy slob who wouldn’t refill waters or re-coffee if his life depended on it. She is simply a selfish bitch.

But I’m not bitter.

I’m not sure what to do. I hate seeing them together everyday, but I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of quitting. Plus, I make really good money. Any thoughts?

Signed, Should I Stay or Should I Go

Dear Should I Stay,

I, too, was in a similar situation, possibly even worse. I was dating a co-worker for almost a year, and she dumped me for a manager at our restaurant. I was in hell. Not only did this manager run the floor most nights, but he also made the schedule. He seemed to get off on arranging for the three of us to work together, and then he’d show blatant favoritism toward her and treat me like absolute shit. Everywhere I turned, there they were. I had to get out.

My uncle owns a nudist colony in Oklahoma so I headed west to clear my head. I wanted a fresh start, and to basically cut all ties with my past. I was there about three months when my mother wrote me a letter. She said she hadn’t seen me or heard from me in a while. Could I write her back and send her a picture?

The thing is, all my pictures were of me nude. So I cut one in half and, along with a letter, sent her the upper half of the picture—me, from the waist up nude. She wrote back about a week later and thanked me for the letter and the picture…but now my grandmother wanted one.

Well, I figured Grandmother can’t see too well...so I sent her the bottom half of the picture—me, from the waist down nude. Grandmother wrote back about a week later and said, "Thanks for the letter and the picture, but with your new hair style, your nose looks too long."

Get out of there if it will help you clear your head and think straight. If the only reason you are staying is for the money, that’s just silly. There are plenty of awesome jobs available in our industry. You will meet new people, and maybe find a new love—someone who has more interest in hot tubs than bus tubs.

Waitress Appears Serious About Getting A "Real" Job

2007-11-08T08:25:00.000-05:00

IOWA CITY, IA—According to stunned co-workers at Givanni’s, long-time server, Marion Cousins, is planning to go back to school next semester and get a “real job.”

“I think she’s serious this time,” said Paula Pearson, a co-worker and close friend. “She’s said all this before, but this time I think she really means it.”

Apparently, this latest decision came in the wake of an especially bad shift during which Cousins was stiffed twice—including a walkout and a table that left with their charge slip—dropped a tray of drinks, and had a run-in with a manager over a scheduling conflict.

“She requested a weekend off to spend time with her terminally-ill daughter and her mother, who almost died during major surgery recently,” said Pearson, “but they scheduled her anyway. The manager said that’s why they’re called ‘requests.’ It’s complete bullshit if you ask me. Marion hardly ever gets the days off she asks for, and never on a weekend.

“I mean, I got that weekend off, and I didn’t even ask for it,” added Pearson. “I’d work for her, but I’ll probably make plans.”

Cousins, 27, has been waiting tables for almost eight years and, according to witnesses, had not had a night this bad during the entire three months she’s worked at Givanni’s.

“That one table walked out,” said Karen Singer, who was also on the floor that night, “and that made her mad. And that other table took the signed charge with them, and there was no cash on the table—oh shit...you could see she was gonna snap. But when she couldn’t get that weekend off to be with her sick mom and her dying daughter, it was all over. Goodbye Givanni’s, hello talking ‘bout getting a real job.

“I’ll really miss her. I’d work those shifts for her, but I have stuff to do.”

While Cousins did not immediately return calls, the restaurant’s management issued a statement saying: “On behalf of our entire organization, we offer Marion’s family our most heartfelt sympathy in regard to the current situation.

“At the same time, we are very curious as to exactly how many life-threatening, ‘major surgeries’ her mother will continue to require. I mean, for God’s sake, this is like the fourth time Marion’s mother ‘almost died’ in what, only like three or four months? Come on. We thought she was already dead. And don’t get us started about her ‘sick’ kid.

“We do, however, wish her nothing but success in all her future plans.”

Based on her previous schooling—two non-consecutive semesters at community college—her work experience, and her overall character, those who know Cousins say her real job options appear endless.

“She can do anything she wants if she puts her mind to it,” bartender, Lyle Samuels, said. “I think she should be a nurse because the schooling is somewhat flexible, although not really, and she could always stay here and wait tables if she wanted to—and nurses get paid.

“I think it’s really wrong the way they scheduled her,” said Samuels, “but at least someone here is getting a real job. I care about that girl so much I’d do anything for her. I’d work her weekend, but I’m busy.”

After Giving Poor Service, Waiter Tells On Himself

2007-11-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

MADISON, WI—A waiter at the Great Dane Pub & Brewing Company gave what many would consider sub-par service, and then told on himself before the guests could complain to management. The server, Demetrius Lake, said that while he would agree the service he delivered was not his best, “it wasn’t bad enough for them to ask to see a manager.”

Said Lake, “They were running me for everything. First, they wanted straws and extra lemon for their water, then more bread. I had to fill the bread like four times. By the time the entrees were ready, between them and my other tables I had already run a marathon.”

According to witnesses, Lake had complained about the table throughout the meal so it was no surprise when he revealed that they had asked to see a manager.

“Demetrius was pissed about them alright,” said co-worker Connie Hall, “but he was already in a bad mood when he got to work. He said they weren’t happy about anything, and that just put him in a worse mood. Then he said they wanted to see a manager, and I was like, uh oh.”

In a monumental turn-about, Lake gathered his wits and immediately went to the restaurant’s general manager to snitch on himself. The manager, Joseph Kendall, was already completely apprised of the situation when he spoke with the customers, and feigned concern with a half-smile on his face as they “blathered on and on.”

“They said ‘he did this’ and ‘he didn’t do that,’” said Kendall. “Demetrius had already told me all that. Ha. I already knew so I just stood there, pretending I was listening, and thinking about the ultra-rare steak sandwich, smothered in catsup, I was going to make for my manager’s meal.”

When asked if this is a normal occurrence, Kendall replied, “No. Usually I just have something off the regular menu. Every once in a while I come up with my own creation.”

Kendall laughed. “Now don’t go printing that. That’s all I need is a bunch of people coming in to my restaurant asking for steak and catsup on rye. Ha.”

Witnesses said that Lake was standing directly behind Kendall while the manager met with the table, mocking them and making faces while he waved his hands with his thumbs in his ears. Reportedly, he did not receive a tip from these customers.

Used Condom Found In Big Boy Salad Bar; Waiter Embarrassed To Tears

2007-11-07T12:20:00.000-05:00

DETROIT, MI -- Evidence of after-hours activity turned up at a Big Boy restaurant salad bar in Detroit last week, embarrassing not only the perpetrators, but nearly everyone associated with the company.

Apparently, Mike Finney and Rhonda Carrion were working together to close down the restaurant’s soup, salad and dessert bar and, with no one else around, culminated a night of flirting with sexual intercourse right on the bar. Witnesses said they’d been flirting almost the entire shift, and that it was just a matter of time before this happened.

"I speak for the entire company," said Big Boy spokesman, Bob Shue, "when I say that we are completely, totally, and unequivocally embarrassed at this whole situation. I mean, did you see how small that condom was. Nobody could possibly have a penis that small...."

Added Shue, "This really gives Big Boy a bad name."

The condom was found by the morning set up crew who initially mistook the prophylactic for a pencil erasure. The incident was immediately reported to the kitchen supervisor. "I didn’t know what the hell it was at first," he said. "I thought it was a chewed-up chicklet."

Due to the incident, two of the original employees on the scene requested the rest of the day off because they are reportedly still on the break room floor, rolling around with uncontrollable laughter. "I didn’t think we served shrimp until Friday," said one doubled-over employee. "The toothpicks are supposed to be at the front door. I just peed my pants…."

Finney was unavailable for comment due to the fact that he was reportedly extremely shaken up, and "crying like a little girl." Adding to his predicament, he faces a mandatory write-up, and the possibility of up to a three-day suspension.

"Rhonda is who I really feel bad for," said Shue, "I offered her paid leave, but she wants to work through this...poor thing. "

Carrion did, however, release a brief statement offering an apology to everyone involved, saying that she was "totally embarrassed" and "completely unaware we even had sex."

About me....

2007-11-07T00:51:00.000-05:00

As the profile "about me" says, I am the former publisher of Don't Tip the Waiter, a satire publication consisting of manufactured news about the restaurant industry distributed to restaurant employees in Detroit, Ann Arbor, and Chicago.

Since putting DTTW on hold, I've kept busy working on many other creative projects, and am currently working with a literary agent on two separate books.

I've wanted to start this blog for quite a while -- I even began the process on several occasions -- but couldn't find the time or energy. When I was putting out DTTW, there was zero time for anything else in my life, and after I began pursuing other opportunities, I was writing so much that I simply wanted to relax with my family anytime I had the chance.

The irony is that, now that I'm writing an actual book -- something I viewed as full time work -- I seem to have more time and writing doesn't feel like a job. I guess that's how blogs are born.

I hope to update content, mostly DTTW-type stuff, on a regular basis, and look forward to getting to know anyone who stumbles upon this space. If you get a chance, please be sure to say hello.